well i haven't posted in 2 horrible long years...that's a lie...i've been quite happy for atleast 1 year and 3 months of it...i stupidly though i was good enough because my boyfriend kept telling me how "perfect" i am...but now i'm at uni...away from home and away from friends who might not know completely about my eating problems but they know enough that i don't take fat "jokes" well...unlike here at uni...one of the guys in my flat thinks it hilarious to make fat jokes...so i guess i'm back where i started....only probably weighing a stone more...
i used to weigh 98lbs, but i haven't weighed myself in 2 years because i decided to try and get over this ...thing... but as i've found out..it's impossible...you can't get over knowing you're FAT and having to look at yourself everyday....i'm guessing now i weight about....about 119lbs!! OMG that's DISGUSTING!! and even worse because i'm so fricking short...i'm like a fat dwarf...
anyways....please someone post back...i'm not sure if anyone from before is even still on this site...but...help?

*sigh* this morning, me and frankie went jogging and we were talkin about weight and dieting etc...and she kept sayin that both of us were normal weight...and she meant it as a compliment, but it felt like a stab in the heart....and how she was saying that i wasn't too skinny or anything....doesn't she realise that i WANT to be TOO skinny!!! *sigh*  might try to do a 7day fast...starting on friday....if i can get out of meals...(grandparents are down...) xxx

how did it get this bad???! i know it's not really that bad, and it could be so much worse....but theres no way out of this....if i start eating normally again, i'll get fatter....my life is never gonna be normal again??? why did i start this??! WHY?! this is so messed up....my whole life depends on how skinny i look and how much i've eaten or how much i weigh, i dont go out if i look fat...whihc is everyday...i'm losing all my friends because of this....and i dont even care about them that much, if they hate me, so what! all that matters is getting skinny....i'm such a mess....

he's single now......he told me earlier that he has a picture of my on his phone wearin hotpants (from when i went to this club thing....wouldnt dare wear them now) and he wont send it to me....and he's been acting all weird now....maybe he looked at the picture and realised that i really am fat and ugly and i havent been lying.....*sigh*
oh well....2nd day of my fast......

this is starting to get annoying...its the holidays and i have nothing to do...so i sit at home bored....and i eat because im bored...then i dont wanna go out because im FAT, so im stuck at home....eating!!! damn it!!!

*sigh* well i told HIM that i like him....or that i think i do.....we haven't spoken about it...and he's still with his gf as far as i know....oh well...atleast its off my chest...now i can go back to being unloved and loveless.....emotionless...cold....

well HE wants to have sex with his new girlfriend...cant work out if he likes her or just wants sex...and if its good or bad...i mean, if he just wants sex...he's using her...but he's not the person i though he was....if he actually really likes her...then....he's happy....but im still jealous... *sigh* stupid guys....i havent got upset over a guy for 3years...i told myself not to think about guys, and i've never got close to any guys so i dont get hurt...and im not even with this guy and he's hurting me...he doesn't even know...its because im FAT and HIDEOUS!!!!

haha, love nick cannons short circuitz and wild n out!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdVatgPPTXg

gosh, he's such an idiot...he said that we should go cinema again sometime...and i was like yeh, great a friends day at the cinema *rolls eyes* and he was like oh fine, if u dont wanna, and i was like joke...and he was like, no, if you dont love me bla bla (joking way) and i was like maybe i like you too much and dont wanna go as friends...and he laughed...TWAT!!! could i hint anymore??!! damn it...i dont wanna split him and his gf up...but......i do...lol. xxx

height: 5'4
cw: 113.5lbs
hw:116lbs
lw: 98lbs
gw1: 110lbs
gw2: 105lbs
gw3: 98lbs
gw4: 95lbs
etc etc etc....


FATTY!!!!

what the fuck is wrong with me? so this guys "likes" me 4 aaaaaages...and i say no because i dont feel butterflies with him...he's perfect....he would be a great boyfriend and he makes me laugh...maybe i just didnt give him a chance...and maybe i would feel butterflies...but its too late now...he has a fucking girlfriend!!! ergh!!! why do i always want what i cant have? but this time...im not gonna ruin it...usually i make sure i get what i want...but then i dont want it...and i dont want him 2 hate me....i guess its good that he's happy...but id rather it was with me....ggrrrr....this stupid ED is ruinin my life....i cant commit cuz im scared tht the guys will see how fat i am!!! ergh!!!

hmm...havent posted in this journal...for....a long time..lol
UPDATE!!....
aerosmith was amazin!! whoo....even if i did have to eat chips there because i went to an eating disorder councellor (my friends mum)...not that the chips were the reason ive put on so much weight...
height: 5'4
cw: FUCKIN 115lbs!!! (ewwwwwwww)
lw: 98lbs
hw: 115lbs (now!!)
gw1: 110lbs
gw2: 105lbs
gw3: 98lbs
gw4: 95
etc etc...

well after weeks of eating 'normal'/binging....hopefully my metabolism has sped up a bit....so thatll mean i'll lose faster...right? *fingers crossed*  gonna do 500cals a day....not all at once...with 3 meals... wish me luck...if anyone actually reads this....:S

xxx

well i ate loads yesterday because i thought i'd need energy for my pe practical today and tomorrow, but i dont even feel like ive done much exercise even though it was pe ALL day... :S   and i had to eat today cuz i need food for my painkillers..(time of the month...:(   ) so am gonna jog to school tomorrow!! tis only about 1.5miles but will kick start my metabolism right? xxx

heya guys and gyals...at school atm...gonna try and only eat carrots today...had to post that or else i know i wont stick to it... :S
tata xxxx

hi...am hoping that now that i've started an account some of you guys can help me...i'm about 5"2' and i weigh about 105lb...really, i want to have lost atleast 7lb by this friday, but it ent gonna happen...i try really hard to lose weight...and i can go ages without eatin but then when i sit in the kitchen it's like food calls to me, so i think i'll just have a little snack, but then once i start i can't stop...HELP!!? i know the obvious thing would be not to sit in the kitchen...anyway...the other day i didn't eat much at all (yey) and i did loadsa exercising and i didn't lose ANY weight at all!! i've tried to bring it back up (ew that sounds horrid) but nothing comes up...i really wanna try laxatives but i dont know how long they last and i'd be too embarrassed to go into a shop to buy them...

any ideas on how to lose weight easily and avoid completely bingin? HELP..
xxx